"Why do you think that?"

What? I...Umm, well.. I don't know. I think things that, maybe, I shouldn't. I don't understand the things that take place, or my actions or words. Trying to understand myself is much harder than the understanding of others because I watch them from afar and I know them. But who the hell am I?

Ok: Let's just recap the day so that I can fall into bed and find a better tomorrow.
Escuela happened as usual. Friday mornings mean FCA which is always a little different. But always good. Oh, and of course, Fridays are game days. So pep rallies, excitement, and the ever present hope of victory.
As the "mother" of the Naked Boys, I made numerous drink runs at the game tonight. I missed nothing though, since we SUCK. But it's still always fun to be a part of the cheering fans and screaming students. And I do love my Naked Boys. They are so silly and fun.
My brother sucks everything. What did he do, you might ask? EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVER BEEN AWFUL.
But now I arrive home. Sleeping must happen.

Auditioning takes place tomorrow. I know my monologue. I know that I know my monologue.
Do I know my character? Truly? Well...
"Who the hell are you?" My director has asked many a time.
Rachel is quirky. Rachel is fast-paced. Rachel is bubbly. Rachel is positive.
I can list her personality traits for days, I've read this show twice, and I know that I know my monologue.
But can I be her? Time will surely tell..
Auditions tomorrow. Cast list Friday.

Oh man, how I hate to audition. The nervous feelings, the doubt.
Wish me luck

Summer is halfway over. I don't know where it went, or how it happened. But I'm happy to be here. In the center of the summer, the sun, and my friends.
I sincerely apologize to my nonexistent blog followers for being so lackadaisical about this. But to be honest, I have been busy and have nothing catastrophic happening.
Knoxville. I traveled there, and had the time of my life. Rhinestones and Sundown, picture day, lots of fun people, and of course, my love, Olivia. Our lives our so intwined and we are almost the same person.
Camp. Myrtle beach was fabulous. I had such a wonderful time playing volleyball and being body slammed into the ocean by my dear bus buddy. A band to make friends with is always such fun, and I even sold some shirts.
Vacation Bible School. Holy. Freaking. Crap. I was placed in charge of 14 second grade boys and girls. Precious, yes, but also wild and crazy. That was quite the interesting week of tiny hands to hold and names to remember.


I'm headed to Six Flags tomorrow. I've never been, so hopefully many exciting things will happen and I'll have a blast.

So Much More

Why am I so broken?
I'm damaged. The pieces don't fit together. They don't make something beautiful.
I know what I want. I just can't seem to find it.
I cling to my ashes. I hold them tightly in clenched fists. My guilt defeats me and I am dressed in shame.
I see it everywhere I go, broken eyes and cracked smiles. No one cares to take a second glance. They continue walking past the pain.
I am a mess. My ability to hold myself together is slowly fading away and I cannot find the time to smile or the power to laugh.
The line between bearable and unbearable is a fine one.
I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't sleep. My heart is heavy, and every step I take is increasingly more difficult than the last.
I drift into the music, and a breath escapes my lips, my eyes close and I pray for a moment of peace.

Another day has passed and nothing has changed.

I am failing at blogging. Time slips from my fingers like grains of sand and I can't capture a single moment to form a cohesive thought.
The temperature rises, and with it, the desire to be out of school. I feel like I still have so much to do...
Summer winds blow into my small town and the cases of senioritis explode around school. "It goes by faster than you think." Isn't that the truth? It may drag and drag, but looking back...It's been so quick. A blur of life. Sure, moments stick out now and then. A great day. A life-changing event. But it's been a fast life. 15 years have washed away and I have very little to show for it.
Including a blog filled with straggles of sentences and speech that is far less than elegant.

The Birdsongs

This band called The Birdsongs played at our youth DNOW last weekend. They blew my mind. A family band with so much talent...so so so much talent. Benjamin, Matthew, Timothy, Philip, Coleene, and their father, Wendell. They all play like, 4 instruments each, and sing wonderfully. Benjamin wrote the songs on the CD I've been listening to for 5 days straight and they are the words my heart shouts at the top of it's lungs. I can't decide which song I like the most...Pieces? I know you want to break free, I know you know you could be so much more than everyone is telling you you are
So Much More? Take your make-up off, prepare yourself for another night of staring at the ceiling wishing you could fall asleep
Celestial Stationary? There's no one here so you can stop pretending. This is ending tonight. Your frozen smile can't hide just what you're thinking now.
Letting Go? I try my best to stay on track, but it's all my fault when I derail...

They're all so good. The new soundtrack to my life.

Say March

March is here. March is such a sweeter word to say than February. February is so blatantly a winter word. Cold and crisp on your tongue and chill on your lips.
March. A word of spring flowers and warm winds. Whimsical almost.
It's now only a matter of time before the weather catches up to us and we're off running through the flowers and into sprinklers.

Say March. Do you taste spring yet?

10 months

10 months.
305 days.
7,305 hours.
438,291 minutes.
26,297,438 seconds.
10 months to be without you. 305 days with you being gone. 7,305 hours knowing you might not be safe. 438,291 minutes of missing you. 26,297,438 seconds of worrying and crying and needing to hear from you. How can you be happy? How can you pack and get ready and be excited to go? I want to slap you for this, but I won't because I just need to hug you. I just need to tell you I'm proud of you. That I'll see you in 10 months. I know that you need me to do that, and of course I will. But I need you to know that while I'm doing it my heart is breaking. While I'm doing it I'm falling apart. You'll miss everything. I'll be 16 when you get back. I'll have my license and be half way done with my sophomore year. Camp's at Myrtle Beach this summer. How can you miss Christmas? Am I being selfish? Yes. I know I am. Of course you should go to Haiti. They need so much help...but so do I. What is this anyway? Home for 1 month, gone for 10? It's not fair. I can't do this. I'll miss you. Goodbye.

Laughter

Do you know someone with a really great laugh? One of those laughs that make you laugh. A laugh that seems to bubble up from a spring of joy within them. A beautiful laugh that spills out and refreshes all those that hear it. I hope you appreciate that laugh, that sound of joy and ecstasy. A rumbling laugh that is captivating. A sparkling laugh that is filled with happiness. A laugh that coats the air around us with promise. A laugh that brings joy to the hopeless and smiles to the weak. My best friend has a really great laugh.

Counting Days

Staring at the clock upon the wall I become increasingly aware of the moments that pass by and the seconds that tick away. Is what I'm saying even relevant? Does it matter enough to take up this piece of my life? I worry that we waste our time. When was the last time you said exactly what was in your heart? When the sand in the hourglass runs out, are you going to be happy with the way you spent those grains of sand? Can you pick out the moments that mattered or does it all just run together in a blur of mediocrity and meaningless babble?
People can be so close with a dollar and so frugal with effort, yet spend moments like they're nothing. Your life counts. Your moments matter. Don't leave the earth with your song unsung.

Inside out pajamas and spoons under pillows

Here in the lovely WarnerVegas, students are desperate for a snow day. Teachers even more so. The weather was checked in all my classes today, and the hallways buzzed with the chance of an early weekend and white lusciousness falling from the heavens. We searched for superstitions that promise us snow. Wearing your pajamas inside out, sleeping with a spoon under your pillow, we even watched a "snow dance" that guaranteed results. I personally don't go for all the silly quirks of the precautionary, but I would be delighted to see the sugar from above float down to us tomorrow. Im hopeful.

2009, 2010

2009 has dragged on and on for me. So many things have happened, and honestly, very few of them have been good. Of course, I've had a few amazing moments. Let's recap. I lost my best friend, I got a new best friend. I went to Kentucky. I went to Jamaica. I helped a lot of people. I took a lot of beautiful photographs. I worked another successful year of C3. I started high school. Exempted all my finals. Didn't make One Act. Made winter show. Voted most awkward. Embarrassed myself. Lost another friend. Made 2 great ones. Crushed. Twice. Make that 3 times. Was single all year. Lost my lip virginity-against my will. Ran 176 miles. Was late to biology everyday but 4. Cried a ton. Got a legacy rose from Chris and cried then too. Watched Chris join the Marines-cried. Chris left and I cried some more. Wrote 17 letters. Got 22 letters. Stood right underneath David Crowder's microphone at a concert. Fist bumped Todd Agnew. In 2009 I did a lot of things.

2010 is now upon us. The first day now behind us. I love this year already, it's done nothing wrong. Be prepared for anything in this new year. That start of a decade even. Breathe in the air of newness and possibility. Take a step. Make a move. 2010 has options for all of us.